American Bullion

Dear Friends,
You have no idea how excited I am to have stumbled across your website!

 For the last 5 months I have been in search of a bullion supplier.  I am getting ready to open my first soup restaurant and I am in desperate need to find a reliable source of bullion in order to make my broths.
 As I’m sure you know, broth is the lifeblood of the soup industry.  “You can’t have soup without broth”  my grandma used to say before she was overwhelmed by the dementia.
 Grandma loved soups of all kinds, but simply couldn’t take it anymore when  “Big Canning” took over the soup business.
 That’s why I decided to invest all of my money into opening a soup restaurant that would make her proud.
“The Soupository” will open this fall.
 I was intrigued by “American Bullion’s’” patriotic name and the way it uses gold as a metaphor for its bullion products.  To my grandmother, a good broth made of fine bullion was just as valuable as gold.
 I have only a few questions before I purchase bullion from your fine establishment.
First, do you specialize in beef bullion or chicken bullion?  I need both.
 Second, how much bullion can I purchase?  I require a lot of bullion in order to ensure the The Soupository doesn’t run out during the cold winter months when soup is in high demand.
 Please get back to me as soon as possible with your answer as I look forward to purchasing mass quantities of bullion very soon.
Albert Francis


I’m sorry, we’re already contracted to supply for the Souplantation.




Sent To: Bill White For Texas

Dear White For Texas Team,

I would just like to let your campaign know what a huge fan I am of  Mayor White.  I am so dedicated to getting him elected governor this fall that I have organized my neighbors and put together a pro-White group in my neighborhood.

Right now the group only consists of five of us.  Myself, my brother Dennis, our elderly neighbor Mrs. Helfner, our gardener Luis and a young man who is a friend on Facebook, but who I have not actually met.  In the months leading up to the election we expect our group to grow significantly. 

We call ourselves “White is Right” and we each have bumper stickers for our cars that say the same thing.

White is Right is engaged in all kinds of activism here in our hometown of Borger, Texas.  For example, the other day we all went into town and stood by the road with a big picture of the candidate.  We all waved signs that said things like “Vote for White!” “Send a White to Austin!” and “White Power!” Borger must be a very Republican town because we did not get a positive reaction from most of the people who drove by.  Many of them seemed downright belligerent towards White’s candidacy.  But we will not be discouraged!

White is Right has other events planned.  For example we plan to infiltrate a Rick Perry event soon and unfurl a huge banner that reads “My Candidate is White!”

We also plan to go into some of the predominantly black sections of Hutchinson County and encourage African Americans to Vote White this year.

Finally on Halloween Night, just few days before the election, we are planning big march through town.  We will all dress from head to toe in white costumes to signify the purity of our dedication to the White cause.  We will do chants and carry signs and pictures of the candidate to let people know just where we stand. I am already working on my costume.  I am going to be a ghost and I found the perfect bed sheets to dress up in.  These things are so white they could make your eyes bleed!  The hat is a bit pointy on top, but I don’t think anyone will notice.

Do you think Mayor White would like to see our costumes?  We could wear them to his next rally. 

Anyway, I just wanted to let you at the campaign know how hard we are all working to get Mayor White elected to our state’s highest office this November.  While this may be a good year for the GOP in other states, we are looking forward to Mayor White reigning supreme in Texas on election night this year and we will do anything we can to help achieve this White supremacy.

 Many Happy Returns,

Albert Francis.

Poison Asparagus?

To: Birds Eye Vegetable Companym_HWWKQYNCD5T

Dear Birds Eye,

 For many years my family has enjoyed your frozen vegetable products.  We serve them almost every night and on holidays and we always make sure that everyone has their favorite Birds Eye variety at the table.  Grandpa likes the Brussels Sprouts while my cousin Reggie can’t get enough of the California Blend with Cheddar Cheese Sauce.  I’m pretty sure he’d eat it every night, but he has Down’s Syndrome and gains weight quickly, so he can only eat it in moderation.

 Recently it dawned on us that we had tried just about every Birds Eye product that your fine company offers, however recently we were able to find one that no one in the family had tried. That’s why this weekend we purchased several boxes of your Asparagus Spears.  They were delicious!  If fact it was the very first time any of us had ever had asparagus.  We loved it.

 Later that night however we noticed that something was very wrong.  Every member of the family who had eaten the asparagus; Myself, my brother Dennis, Grandpa, cousin Reggie,  Mom, Dad and aunt Lei-Min reported the same thing.  Our urine all smelled terrible!  It was an acidic smell unlike anything we had ever experienced. 

 While our urine has reverted back to its original odor, we are still very concerned about this.  We believe the smell to be directly related to the consumption of the asparagus since the rest of the meal consisted of Aunt Lei-Min’s meatloaf and boil-in-the-bag rice cooked by Reggie.  Neither of these foods has ever resulted in our family excreting funny smelling urine.

I am writing today in order to inform you of this problem so that you can look into it and take any action you deem necessary so that other families do not have to suffer as we have.  Because of our lifelong love affair with your products we will not be taking legal action regardless of the results of our medical examinations later this week.

 Any help that your company can offer in this matter would be greatly appreciated.  Unfortunately we did not save any of the asparagus or any of the urine in questions so you’re just going to have to take our word on this one.  Thanks.

 -Albert Francis



Dear Mr. Francis:

Thank you for taking the time to contact us about Birds Eye Deluxe Asparagus Spears.

Quality has been a primary consideration in the production of our products and it has been that way throughout our history.  Please accept our sincere apology for the inconvenience you and your family experienced. 

We appreciate the product information you’ve provided and have forward your experience along to the appropriate department. Be assured that they will carefully review this matter. This is a known side effect of asparagus. Below is a link we have found online but please feel free to do your own online research.


We value you as a loyal consumer and appreciate your concern. Free product coupons will be sent via U.S. mail to replace the unsatisfactory product.

Consumer Relations
Birds Eye Foods

Sent To: Field & Stream Magazine


Dear Field & Stream,

 I am writing you today with a heavy heart as recently my family mourned the death of my dear uncle Lebron.

Uncle Lebron was one of the kindest most energetic men you could ever hope to meet. For my brother Dennis and I our fondest memories of Uncle Lebron were of the days when he would take us fishing at Lake Trupswallow. The thing that Dennis and I remember the most vividly about those summer fishing trips was Uncle Lebron’s huge blue and green tackle box. We always stood mesmerized when Uncle Lebron would open the box, exposing the colorful lures and bobbers within. The miles of line, the sinkers and all of the other fishing apperatus that Uncle Lebron would teach us about over the years.

Upon his death, Dennis and I inherited our dear uncle’s tackle box and after the funeral we opened it up. The memories came flooding back. We examined the boxes contents one by one reciting each items purpose just as Lebron had taught us. That’s when we came across an item that we didn’t recognize. This brings me to the purpose of my letter. Since I know no fishing enthusiasts who could potentially identify this item, I am writing you in hopes that the experts at your fine publication can help us in our quest to identify this particular fishing apparatus.

 The item is a cylindrical glass tube about five inches long and a little thicker than a pencil. Near one end of the tube there is a hole on the top of the tube which holds a small cone shaped glass cup. The tube contained some brownish residue. For the last few days, Dennis and I have been attempting to figure out what fishing purpose this little gadget could possibly be used for . Here is what we have come up with:

1. A bubble blower, which the fisherman can stick in the water and blow on to attract the fish.

2. A silent whistle that only fish can hear.

3. Something you put your worm in to keep it warm.

Again my brother and I are land lubbers and really know nothing about fishing, so any help that you can give us in identifying this item would be greatly appreciated. I have attached a picture of the item just in case my description is not adequate. Please get back to me as soon as possible as we are about to sell the contents of the box and would like to get an idea of how much we can charge for this particular item. Thanks a lot.

– Albert Francis





Dear Governor Schwarzenegger,

First allow me to say how much I enjoyed visiting your native country when I had the chance to go there last summer. I saw tons of Kangaroos and threw a boomerang. I brought a didgery-do back for my brother Dennis, and he is currently taking lessons to learn how to play it. My only complaint was that I did not see a single Outback steakhouse in the country. I expected there to be one on every corner and could not find an Onion Blossom anywhere. Please do your best to rectify this situation as I am hoping to visit Austria again in the near future.

 I am writing you today in order to express my concern over the prospect of gay marriage coming to our fine state. I am not gay myself, but I have no problem with gay people. I have seen the musical RENT and have several songs by The Village People on my IPOD. However, I do not believe that straight individuals such as myself should be forced to enter into a gay marriage if we don’t want to. 

I understand that California is a very progressive place and we Californians pride ourselves on being open minded and tolerant, however I believe that forcing gay marriage on straight people is taking things a bit to far. I want the gays to be happy and dance and sing like the gays in the movies, but I simply don’t feel that the government should force me to marry a gay guy regardless of how handsome he is or how sculpted his abs are.

 I am a good, law-abiding citizen and will therefore obey the law if gay marriage passes in our state and betroth myself to a man. But you can’t force me to like it!

In the event that gay marriage becomes law, I have a few questions regarding the gay marriage process.

First, when I marry my gay, who pays for the wedding?

Does one of us have to wear a dress?

If we all have to marry gays, how will the state remain populated?

What do I feed my gay?

If my gay marriage isn’t working out and I get a gay divorce do I have to marry another gay within certain period of time?

How should I break the news to my wife?

I’m sure these are dumb questions but I would very much like to know how this is all going to go down. Once again I urge you to oppose gay marriage. I know how much you love your wife and I would be very upset if you had to break up with her because the state was making you marry a gay. I would be on the first flight home Down-Under if I were you.   That wouldn’t be so bad though becasue AUSTRIA RULES!!!!

Again, thank you for your time. Please keep me posted on your position regarding this issue. Sincerely, Albert Francis.

P.S. –You were terrific in the Mad Max movies.

To:  Farifax County Virginia Chairwoman Sharon Bulova

Dear Chairwoman Bulova,


First off allow me to congratulate you on your hard fought electoral victory.  I don’t vote out of fear that the government is scanning our brains when we enter the voting booth and then selling the information to the Red Chinese, but if I did vote, I would’ve voted for you.  I shook your opponents hand and it was very clammy.


I am writing today out of concern for our areas most precious resource.  Its children.


The purpose of my correspondence is to officially ask your permission to place bear traps around all of the parks and playgrounds in Fairfax county.


I understand that my request may seem a bit rash considering that there have been very few bear attacks in this area over the past two centuries.  But ask yourself this; do you really want the first child mauled by a bear in Fairfax County since reconstruction to happen on your watch?  Could you live with that on your conscience, Madame chairman?


Inevitably there will be several instances of children accidentally triggering the bear traps and being injured.  However, I feel that this is a small price to pay in order to ensure that no bears bother our young children while they are gallivanting without a care on our city playgrounds.


The bear trap strategy was first attempted in my hometown of Brighton, Indiana when I was a boy.  It was a huge success.  While the instances of children being injured by bear traps rose by 800% that year, the instances of children being mauled by bears decreased dramatically.  You just can’t argue with results like that.


The bear traps, which I will be using, are very old and some of them are rusty.  I will be painting them fun colors and putting designs on them however, so that they are not such an eyesore to park goers.  In order to entice the bears into the traps I will place a candy bar in each one.  Bears love candy!


The bear traps are incredibly sensitive and even the slightest brush against it will activate the spring mechanism, causing its razor sharp teeth to penetrate the flesh of whatever creature is unfortunate enough to try and get the sweet, sweet candy within.


If you’re like me, a convert to Hasidic Judaism with an arm missing (I lost my arm in a bear trap related incident) then you hate bears as much as you love children and Jesus.  Just give me the go ahead and I will begin placing loaded bear traps around the town.  Free of charge of course.


Thank you for your time your honor.  Please let me know if you are planning to run for President.  You’ll have my full support even though I will not vote due to fear of the Red Chinese.




Albert Francis


P.S. – Is your office planning any Arbor Day festivities for the district?  I recommend a parade.

Meerkat Football

To: Gumball.com

Dear Gumball.com,



Over the past few months I have been training my pet meerkats to play football.  I currently own 20 meerkats and have had great success in teaching them to line up in play formations and compete using a tiny little pigskin.  They play in teams of ten and play both offense and defense.  Originally I wanted to have separate offensive and defensive players but the cost of shipping and caring for that many meerkats would have made it so my children would have to forgo college.


I am contacting you today, knowing that you are one of the nation’s leading providers of vending machine refills.  While my meerkats seem to love playing football, they are frequently suffering head injuries.  Last week one of my quarterbacks, Peyton Meerkat suffered a particularly nasty bump on the noggin after a botched play action fake.


In order to protect their fuzzy little heads I went to the vending machine at my local grocery store and began purchasing mini football helmets.  The problem is that it is impossible to get the same helmet more than two or three times in one machine.  I refuse to allow my players to go on the field without matching helmets!  How would Joe Meerkatana know who to pass to?!!  Therefore until I am able to acquire matching helmets for each team, my meerkats are forced to play helmet less.


Is there any way that you would be able to send me two sets of ten helmets that match?  It doesn’t matter what team, however meerkats are incapable of seeing the color red, therefore a set of Kansas City Chiefs helmets wont work.


Please let me know how much these helmets will cost and whether you need me to pay in quarters.  Both of my meerkat football teams and I thank you.







Albert Francis


P.S.  – Do you sell Homies?  Those things scare me.





We are very concerned that you have trained your meerkats to play football.
Football is a dangerous sport and we at Gumball.com would be devastated to
learn if we somehow contributed to the injury of a furry and loveable little

Furthermore, our vending machine helmets are toys and have not been tested
for use in meerkat contact football… given the liability, we cannot
condone using them for this purpose. 

We would like to suggest that you to train your meerkats to play
intellectually stimulating games, perhaps scrabble. Education, on average,
provides a far better payback than playing sports.

Thanks for your inquiry.

Spencer Williams



Dear Variety Magazine, I purchased a copy of your publication yesterday, expecting, as the title suggests a “variety” of stories on a “variety” of different topics. I was incredibly displeased when I read article after article on the motion picture industry. Where’s the “variety”, Variety?!!

Generally I’m not much of a reader. Occasionally I will peruse a copy of Spiders Illustrated or Incarcerated Widow Weekly, but other than that I tend to be more of a TV watcher. I recently purchased seasons one and two of Mr. Belvedere, which contains the famous episode in which Wesley is molested by his camp counselor. That Wesley was such a rascal!

When I took a chance by buying “Variety” from the colored man who runs the magazine stand on the corner, I expected what the title promised. “Variety”. Instead I got the opposite. Every damn story was about movies, movie stars and movie concessions.

 Now don’t get me wrong. Nobody loves a three-page piece on the upcoming sequel to Kung-Fu Panda more than I do, but couldn’t you have thrown in an article about the stimulus package or wrestling? Anything to add a bit of “variety” to “Variety”! Please let me know when you begin to include other topics to your dull magazine with its misleading title. Until then, I bid you good day.

– Albert Francis

Buggery Museum




Dear Ms. Gerber,


After careful consideration and much deliberation it is with great pleasure that I inform you that my brother Dennis and I have settled on Lancaster as the location for our museum.  Of course I understand that the necessary forms must be filled out and background checks initiated and I was hoping that we could get this process off the ground as soon as possible.  I was hoping that you could lead me in the right direction in this regard.


Our endeavor was the brainchild of my great grandfather Pedro.  Before he passed away he asked his family to fulfill his dream of building a museum dedicated to the practice of buggery.


Pedro was a loving soul. Some say he was a tad too loving.  He washed frequently.  However buggery was always his first love.


The museum would contain various exhibits explaining the history of buggery with plenty of visual aides and interactive kiosks.


There would be a short buggery related film upon entering the museum and a buggery gift shop at the end of the tour.  Headsets can be rented upon request. 

We also know that after all that buggery related learning, folks will be hungry.  That’s why I’m currently in talks with both Hardee’s and Taco Bell in respect to the possible placement of a restaurant right in side the building. 


One of our reasons for selecting Lancaster as our museum spot was the fact that it is so close to the psychiatric hospital in which my cousin Festus currently resides.  Hopefully with more correspondence we could work out some kind of furlough plan, so he could attend the museum opening.  Buggery is his passion, and is the primary reason that the furlough is required.


I understand that you must be busy.  Lancaster is a busy place, being the eighth largest city in Pennsylvania, and I hope that our museum dedicated to buggery can play a positive role in the community for years to come.  I eagerly await your response.





Albert Francis



Dear Sir Or Madame,

I am writing you today in order to express my disappointment in one of your products.  For the past several months my family has been using RetardEx in order to remedy a problem that has taken a heavy toll on us over the last 23 years.  The problem I speak of is my cousin Bruce.

Bruce is a good man, but his “special” needs and tendency towards embarrassing behavior prevent us from being able to take him out in public.  For example the other day we took Bruce out to the movies. We saw Paul Blart: Mall cop, which I can easily say is one of the best comedies of this or any other generation.  I enjoyed it despite the fact that Bruce made cat noises throughout the entire show and yelled, “fire” three times causing two theater evacuations.  By the third time we all knew that there was no fire. It was just Bruce.

For weeks now my brother Dennis and I have stripped Bruce down, put him in the bathtub and applied RetardEx to his entire body.  We do this on a daily basis.  This is not easy since Bruce is 6 foot 5 and 387 pounds.   Despite our constant application of your product, today Bruce is as retarded as ever.  In fact, there is some evidence to suggest that Bruce is more retarded than he was before we began giving him his daily dose of RetardEx.  Just yesterday I found the entire family’s socks in the crisper.  Every pair.  Bruce got the hose for that one.

Are we applying the product the wrong way?  Should it be injected?  That would be more cost effective since as of now we are using an entire tube per day and we may have to crack open a second tube since Bruce seems to be gaining weight at a rapid pace.  He eats mostly Halloween candy.  This saves us money because we buy it for him in bulk when it goes on sale in November.

As the makers of RetardEx I beg of you, please give us some advice on how to deal with our morbidly obese, mongoloid cousin.  Otherwise I will have no choice other than to boycott your product and spread the word to special needs families everywhere that it is ineffective.  Thank you and good day.

-Albert Francis