Archive for March, 2009




Dear Governor Schwarzenegger,

First allow me to say how much I enjoyed visiting your native country when I had the chance to go there last summer. I saw tons of Kangaroos and threw a boomerang. I brought a didgery-do back for my brother Dennis, and he is currently taking lessons to learn how to play it. My only complaint was that I did not see a single Outback steakhouse in the country. I expected there to be one on every corner and could not find an Onion Blossom anywhere. Please do your best to rectify this situation as I am hoping to visit Austria again in the near future.

 I am writing you today in order to express my concern over the prospect of gay marriage coming to our fine state. I am not gay myself, but I have no problem with gay people. I have seen the musical RENT and have several songs by The Village People on my IPOD. However, I do not believe that straight individuals such as myself should be forced to enter into a gay marriage if we don’t want to. 

I understand that California is a very progressive place and we Californians pride ourselves on being open minded and tolerant, however I believe that forcing gay marriage on straight people is taking things a bit to far. I want the gays to be happy and dance and sing like the gays in the movies, but I simply don’t feel that the government should force me to marry a gay guy regardless of how handsome he is or how sculpted his abs are.

 I am a good, law-abiding citizen and will therefore obey the law if gay marriage passes in our state and betroth myself to a man. But you can’t force me to like it!

In the event that gay marriage becomes law, I have a few questions regarding the gay marriage process.

First, when I marry my gay, who pays for the wedding?

Does one of us have to wear a dress?

If we all have to marry gays, how will the state remain populated?

What do I feed my gay?

If my gay marriage isn’t working out and I get a gay divorce do I have to marry another gay within certain period of time?

How should I break the news to my wife?

I’m sure these are dumb questions but I would very much like to know how this is all going to go down. Once again I urge you to oppose gay marriage. I know how much you love your wife and I would be very upset if you had to break up with her because the state was making you marry a gay. I would be on the first flight home Down-Under if I were you.   That wouldn’t be so bad though becasue AUSTRIA RULES!!!!

Again, thank you for your time. Please keep me posted on your position regarding this issue. Sincerely, Albert Francis.

P.S. –You were terrific in the Mad Max movies.


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To:  Farifax County Virginia Chairwoman Sharon Bulova

Dear Chairwoman Bulova,


First off allow me to congratulate you on your hard fought electoral victory.  I don’t vote out of fear that the government is scanning our brains when we enter the voting booth and then selling the information to the Red Chinese, but if I did vote, I would’ve voted for you.  I shook your opponents hand and it was very clammy.


I am writing today out of concern for our areas most precious resource.  Its children.


The purpose of my correspondence is to officially ask your permission to place bear traps around all of the parks and playgrounds in Fairfax county.


I understand that my request may seem a bit rash considering that there have been very few bear attacks in this area over the past two centuries.  But ask yourself this; do you really want the first child mauled by a bear in Fairfax County since reconstruction to happen on your watch?  Could you live with that on your conscience, Madame chairman?


Inevitably there will be several instances of children accidentally triggering the bear traps and being injured.  However, I feel that this is a small price to pay in order to ensure that no bears bother our young children while they are gallivanting without a care on our city playgrounds.


The bear trap strategy was first attempted in my hometown of Brighton, Indiana when I was a boy.  It was a huge success.  While the instances of children being injured by bear traps rose by 800% that year, the instances of children being mauled by bears decreased dramatically.  You just can’t argue with results like that.


The bear traps, which I will be using, are very old and some of them are rusty.  I will be painting them fun colors and putting designs on them however, so that they are not such an eyesore to park goers.  In order to entice the bears into the traps I will place a candy bar in each one.  Bears love candy!


The bear traps are incredibly sensitive and even the slightest brush against it will activate the spring mechanism, causing its razor sharp teeth to penetrate the flesh of whatever creature is unfortunate enough to try and get the sweet, sweet candy within.


If you’re like me, a convert to Hasidic Judaism with an arm missing (I lost my arm in a bear trap related incident) then you hate bears as much as you love children and Jesus.  Just give me the go ahead and I will begin placing loaded bear traps around the town.  Free of charge of course.


Thank you for your time your honor.  Please let me know if you are planning to run for President.  You’ll have my full support even though I will not vote due to fear of the Red Chinese.




Albert Francis


P.S. – Is your office planning any Arbor Day festivities for the district?  I recommend a parade.

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Meerkat Football

To: Gumball.com

Dear Gumball.com,



Over the past few months I have been training my pet meerkats to play football.  I currently own 20 meerkats and have had great success in teaching them to line up in play formations and compete using a tiny little pigskin.  They play in teams of ten and play both offense and defense.  Originally I wanted to have separate offensive and defensive players but the cost of shipping and caring for that many meerkats would have made it so my children would have to forgo college.


I am contacting you today, knowing that you are one of the nation’s leading providers of vending machine refills.  While my meerkats seem to love playing football, they are frequently suffering head injuries.  Last week one of my quarterbacks, Peyton Meerkat suffered a particularly nasty bump on the noggin after a botched play action fake.


In order to protect their fuzzy little heads I went to the vending machine at my local grocery store and began purchasing mini football helmets.  The problem is that it is impossible to get the same helmet more than two or three times in one machine.  I refuse to allow my players to go on the field without matching helmets!  How would Joe Meerkatana know who to pass to?!!  Therefore until I am able to acquire matching helmets for each team, my meerkats are forced to play helmet less.


Is there any way that you would be able to send me two sets of ten helmets that match?  It doesn’t matter what team, however meerkats are incapable of seeing the color red, therefore a set of Kansas City Chiefs helmets wont work.


Please let me know how much these helmets will cost and whether you need me to pay in quarters.  Both of my meerkat football teams and I thank you.







Albert Francis


P.S.  – Do you sell Homies?  Those things scare me.





We are very concerned that you have trained your meerkats to play football.
Football is a dangerous sport and we at Gumball.com would be devastated to
learn if we somehow contributed to the injury of a furry and loveable little

Furthermore, our vending machine helmets are toys and have not been tested
for use in meerkat contact football… given the liability, we cannot
condone using them for this purpose. 

We would like to suggest that you to train your meerkats to play
intellectually stimulating games, perhaps scrabble. Education, on average,
provides a far better payback than playing sports.

Thanks for your inquiry.

Spencer Williams

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