To: Farifax County Virginia Chairwoman Sharon Bulova
Dear Chairwoman Bulova,
First off allow me to congratulate you on your hard fought electoral victory. I don’t vote out of fear that the government is scanning our brains when we enter the voting booth and then selling the information to the Red Chinese, but if I did vote, I would’ve voted for you. I shook your opponents hand and it was very clammy.
I am writing today out of concern for our areas most precious resource. Its children.
The purpose of my correspondence is to officially ask your permission to place bear traps around all of the parks and playgrounds in Fairfax county.
I understand that my request may seem a bit rash considering that there have been very few bear attacks in this area over the past two centuries. But ask yourself this; do you really want the first child mauled by a bear in Fairfax County since reconstruction to happen on your watch? Could you live with that on your conscience, Madame chairman?
Inevitably there will be several instances of children accidentally triggering the bear traps and being injured. However, I feel that this is a small price to pay in order to ensure that no bears bother our young children while they are gallivanting without a care on our city playgrounds.
The bear trap strategy was first attempted in my hometown of Brighton, Indiana when I was a boy. It was a huge success. While the instances of children being injured by bear traps rose by 800% that year, the instances of children being mauled by bears decreased dramatically. You just can’t argue with results like that.
The bear traps, which I will be using, are very old and some of them are rusty. I will be painting them fun colors and putting designs on them however, so that they are not such an eyesore to park goers. In order to entice the bears into the traps I will place a candy bar in each one. Bears love candy!
The bear traps are incredibly sensitive and even the slightest brush against it will activate the spring mechanism, causing its razor sharp teeth to penetrate the flesh of whatever creature is unfortunate enough to try and get the sweet, sweet candy within.
If you’re like me, a convert to Hasidic Judaism with an arm missing (I lost my arm in a bear trap related incident) then you hate bears as much as you love children and Jesus. Just give me the go ahead and I will begin placing loaded bear traps around the town. Free of charge of course.
Thank you for your time your honor. Please let me know if you are planning to run for President. You’ll have my full support even though I will not vote due to fear of the Red Chinese.
Sincerely,
Albert Francis
P.S. – Is your office planning any Arbor Day festivities for the district? I recommend a parade.
Leave a Reply