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VARIETY MAGAZINE

SENT TO: VARIETY

Dear Variety Magazine, I purchased a copy of your publication yesterday, expecting, as the title suggests a “variety” of stories on a “variety” of different topics. I was incredibly displeased when I read article after article on the motion picture industry. Where’s the “variety”, Variety?!!

Generally I’m not much of a reader. Occasionally I will peruse a copy of Spiders Illustrated or Incarcerated Widow Weekly, but other than that I tend to be more of a TV watcher. I recently purchased seasons one and two of Mr. Belvedere, which contains the famous episode in which Wesley is molested by his camp counselor. That Wesley was such a rascal!

When I took a chance by buying “Variety” from the colored man who runs the magazine stand on the corner, I expected what the title promised. “Variety”. Instead I got the opposite. Every damn story was about movies, movie stars and movie concessions.

 Now don’t get me wrong. Nobody loves a three-page piece on the upcoming sequel to Kung-Fu Panda more than I do, but couldn’t you have thrown in an article about the stimulus package or wrestling? Anything to add a bit of “variety” to “Variety”! Please let me know when you begin to include other topics to your dull magazine with its misleading title. Until then, I bid you good day.

– Albert Francis

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Buggery Museum

SENT TO: LANCASTER PENNSYLVANIA CHAMBER OF COMMERCE

 

 

Dear Ms. Gerber,

 

After careful consideration and much deliberation it is with great pleasure that I inform you that my brother Dennis and I have settled on Lancaster as the location for our museum.  Of course I understand that the necessary forms must be filled out and background checks initiated and I was hoping that we could get this process off the ground as soon as possible.  I was hoping that you could lead me in the right direction in this regard.

 

Our endeavor was the brainchild of my great grandfather Pedro.  Before he passed away he asked his family to fulfill his dream of building a museum dedicated to the practice of buggery.

 

Pedro was a loving soul. Some say he was a tad too loving.  He washed frequently.  However buggery was always his first love.

 

The museum would contain various exhibits explaining the history of buggery with plenty of visual aides and interactive kiosks.

 

There would be a short buggery related film upon entering the museum and a buggery gift shop at the end of the tour.  Headsets can be rented upon request. 

We also know that after all that buggery related learning, folks will be hungry.  That’s why I’m currently in talks with both Hardee’s and Taco Bell in respect to the possible placement of a restaurant right in side the building. 

 

One of our reasons for selecting Lancaster as our museum spot was the fact that it is so close to the psychiatric hospital in which my cousin Festus currently resides.  Hopefully with more correspondence we could work out some kind of furlough plan, so he could attend the museum opening.  Buggery is his passion, and is the primary reason that the furlough is required.

 

I understand that you must be busy.  Lancaster is a busy place, being the eighth largest city in Pennsylvania, and I hope that our museum dedicated to buggery can play a positive role in the community for years to come.  I eagerly await your response.

 

Sincerely,

 

 

Albert Francis

RetardEX

SENT TO:  PERIPRODUCTS UK

Dear Sir Or Madame,

I am writing you today in order to express my disappointment in one of your products.  For the past several months my family has been using RetardEx in order to remedy a problem that has taken a heavy toll on us over the last 23 years.  The problem I speak of is my cousin Bruce.

Bruce is a good man, but his “special” needs and tendency towards embarrassing behavior prevent us from being able to take him out in public.  For example the other day we took Bruce out to the movies. We saw Paul Blart: Mall cop, which I can easily say is one of the best comedies of this or any other generation.  I enjoyed it despite the fact that Bruce made cat noises throughout the entire show and yelled, “fire” three times causing two theater evacuations.  By the third time we all knew that there was no fire. It was just Bruce.

For weeks now my brother Dennis and I have stripped Bruce down, put him in the bathtub and applied RetardEx to his entire body.  We do this on a daily basis.  This is not easy since Bruce is 6 foot 5 and 387 pounds.   Despite our constant application of your product, today Bruce is as retarded as ever.  In fact, there is some evidence to suggest that Bruce is more retarded than he was before we began giving him his daily dose of RetardEx.  Just yesterday I found the entire family’s socks in the crisper.  Every pair.  Bruce got the hose for that one.

Are we applying the product the wrong way?  Should it be injected?  That would be more cost effective since as of now we are using an entire tube per day and we may have to crack open a second tube since Bruce seems to be gaining weight at a rapid pace.  He eats mostly Halloween candy.  This saves us money because we buy it for him in bulk when it goes on sale in November.

As the makers of RetardEx I beg of you, please give us some advice on how to deal with our morbidly obese, mongoloid cousin.  Otherwise I will have no choice other than to boycott your product and spread the word to special needs families everywhere that it is ineffective.  Thank you and good day.

-Albert Francis

SENT TO: ENGLEBERT.com

Dear Ms. Strickland,

Several days ago I contacted you with a proposal.  As I informed you in my previous e-mail, my brother and I have offered to sell a song title to  Mr. Humperdinck by the name of “My Magical Suspenders”.

Since I have not heard back from you, I can only assume that you are either no longer employed by Mr. Humperdinck, or that Mr. Humperdinck was not satisfied with the proposed title or unable to write a set of lyrics that were based on that particular title.

I sincerely hope you were not fired.  I have heard of Mr. Humperdinck’s famous temper and would not like to be on the receiving end of his righteous anger.

Because we are  so excited by the prospect of playing a part in the expansion of the Englebert Humperdinck catalog, my brother Dennis and I have written several other song titles and we are willing to let you purchase them for the price of just one song title.  WHAT A DEAL!!  That’s what you’re probably saying right now.  But I am happy to give a deal to the man who helped get me through childhood and turned me into the strong virile man I am today.

Here are the new titles:

“Buckets Of Goo”

“Uncle Ray-Ray’s Pants Rocket”

“My Name Is Englebert. Now Get Off of My Lawn.”

“Petting Zoo Massacre” (This title is based on an actual experience that my brother Dennis had.  If possible we would like to personally collaborate on this song with Mr. Humperdinck in order to make it as accurate as possible.)

“Nights In Guam”

“The Appendix Song”

I’m sure that Mr. Humperdinck will like at least one of these, but they are all available for one low price.  We don’t offer this deal to everyone.  In fact we told Alice Cooper’s people that if he wanted to use the title  “Fungusopoly” that he was going to have to wash our truck.

Please get back to me with Engelbert’s answer as soon as possible.  Either way, we will see you the next time Humperdinckapalooza makes its way through our neck of the woods.

Sincerely,

Albert Francis

😉 <-  A Humperwink!

VATICAN HAM SANDWICH

Dear Sir Or Madame,

A few days ago I was visiting the necropolis of The Vatican. It was great. Of all the Necropolises I’ve seen recently, St. Peter’s was the best! My life-partner Edgar enjoyed it as well.

Unfortunately, while in the necropolis, I accidentally misplaced my lunch. I had been carrying a brown bag containing a Ham sandwich around with me for a good part of the day, since I don’t care for Italian cuisine. One moment, the brown bag containing my sandwich, some Bugles and a Juice box were clenched tightly in my hand. The next it had disappeared like St. Paul’s eyesight upon seeing the Holy Spirit on the road to Wrestlemania.

The sandwich is gone and I would very much like it back.

It is sandwich sized, with two slices of ham, a large amount of mayonnaise (even though Edgar says I should listen to my doctor and eliminate it from my diet) and white bread with the crusts cut off.

Remember, if you find a sandwich in the Necropolis with the crusts still on, that’s not my sandwich!

Thank you so much for your help and tell Pope Benedict that he is my favorite of all the Popes.

Sincerely,

Albert Francis

RESPONSE: NO RESPONSE 

 

GINGERBREAD DOG HOUSE

SENT TO:  RUSSELL TOPPERS

Dear Rebecca,

I am writing you on behalf of my great Uncle Pedro. My uncle is 102 years old and has two joys in life. One is his Bull Mastiff “Leviticus” and the other is making Gingerbread houses.

Over the last 50 years Pedro has made gingerbread models of some of our worlds most recognizable structures, including, the Taj Mahal, Wayne Manor and Jacob’s Field.

Sadly, in his old age my uncle’s arthritic hands can no longer attach the necessary gumdrops and ribbon cadies to his creations. It is painful to watch as he uses all his strength to squeeze out the icing from the icing applicator.

It is my dream to give my great uncle Pedro one final joy before he passes away.

This is why I would like to commission you to build a gingerbread dog house for Leviticus.

This house would have to be a masterpiece of modern baking. The gingerbread men would have to be the size of small dwarfs and it must be compact enough to fit into the garage since it is unlikely to survive inclement weather and it can not be put inside, since Pedro is ironically, allergic to gingerbread if exposed to it for an extended period of time.

Please write me back and let me know if you can help me in this matter.

Thanks,

Albert Francis

RESPONSE:

Hi Albert Francis,

I hope you have kept pictures of your Uncles’ houses, I imagine they were quite wonderful!

I’d need to know a little more what you are picturing. But if you’retalking about an actual house big enough for a real mastif that can get quite expensive.

Thank you,

Rebecca

 

 

ENGLEBERT HUMPERDINK

Sent To: Englebert.com

Hi there.

First off let me tell you what a big Englebert Humperdinck fan I am. I still remember the days when my brother and I would sit in the tree house and play our Englebert records until the sun came up. In high school we started a Humperdinck fan club. Actually it was more of gang. We called ourselves “The Humpers”. We had our own jackets and let me tell you, everyone knew that you didn’t mess with “The Humpers”.

Now to the purpose of my correspondence. My brother Dennis and I have recently started a business. What we do is come up with song titles and then sell the titles to famous artists so that they can write the song and not have to worry about putting a title on it later. Writing songs is hard work. So our goal is to lighten the workload a bit for busy lyricists.

We have a title that we think would be perfect for Mr. Humperdinck. The name of the song title is “My Magical Suspenders”. Of course once purchased Mr. Humperdinck would have to write the song around the title, unless of course Englebert already has an untitled song that has lyrics which concern magic suspenders in which case Mr. Humperdinck is clearly in need of our services.

I can’t even tell you how much joy Mr. Humperdinck has brought to my life and to the lives of my wives and children. Please get back to me as soon as possible so we can discuss payment options.

Sincerely,

 Albert Francis

P.S. – Somebody told me that “Englebert” is the German word for handlebar mustache. Is this true?

RESPONSE: NO RESPONSE